Take it as you want to

I have a quote for you ladies. You can take it as you want to, but this is the context in which it was said firstly. Karen and I were resetting up her computer in her bedroom and she was having trouble bringing up the main screen for a minute. You see, she let a silly boy muck around with it. Without thinking, I told her "Never let boys touch your hardware". Girls you can interpret this whatever way you wish to. But Karen and i laughed for a good 10 minutes.
God has been challenging me with being content in my single status a lot...ever since charlie spoke at CU last week. This has been my prayer:

Lord, you know the person who will be my future.
You know exactly when and where we will meet.
Help me to find reassurence in this thought-
despite my continual impatience.
Lord, guide our steps as we make our way towards one another-
keep us safe.
Distractions in many forms we will both encounter-
help us to not be discouraged and stray from your path.
Thank you Lord that you have my perfect mate in your sight.
I'm looking forward to the day you decide we will meet.

Sincerity

God has been teaching me a lot about sincerity in the last few months. I try not to say anything I don't mean or do anything that is later going to contradict something I said. For example (an this isn't against anyone in particular), if I saw I want to take you out to lunch I mean it. I'm not going to change my mind and take the offer back, that would just be rude and inconsiderate. So for the record: no one needs to ask me if I'm sure :) my offer is given freely and not with a feeling that I have to do so.
There are those though that you can just tell right off from the start that they are not being sincere. I think this may be one of my pet peeves. Have you ever had a person who claims they are your friend, but more in reality they are nothing more than an acquaintance because the friendship they offer isn't sincere and you can't get to fully know them? Or they offer something or do something for you because they feel obligated to do so. I think sincerity relates to being real and honest with one another and not holding things back.
I think God wants us to be so real in our interactions with one another that sincerity just naturally occurs with out even having to contemplate about doing so. If you don't think I'm being sincere, let me know so that I can be real with you.
Just a thought that God has been challenging me with lately. Maybe it can speak to you as well.

Milton Keynes

I went to Milton Keynes yesterday with James and Henry. For those of you who do not know where Milton Keynes is, it is a city (people from england correct me if i'm wrong, but MK does have a cathedral making it a city correct?) that is a 30 minute drive north from Luton and it has a huge mall....yes, my kind of place :) Anyways, the purpose of the trip was not for me to go shopping, but for the guys to find dvds for next weekends 24 hour movie marathon. I think they must have spent close to £140 or more on 12 dvds between 3 stores.
After the dvds were bought, we went to go see the indoor ski dome. To me this was a very funny sight: An indoor ski slope with fake snow, but that's just the Canadian side of me talking. In British terms, this is a great idea for people to learn how to ski before they go to Europe or other places for a ski holiday....actually may be the best and only way for them to learn how to ski.(once again correct me if i'm wrong). On our way into the ski dome complex, Henry saw a carnival ride called Velocity (really really high and very fast and flips you upside down while it spins around) and decided he needed to go on it. There was no way on earth i was going to go on this ride, but Henry persuaded James to do so. You should have seen their faces as they came around to the bottom and back up again....absolutely priceless. And then the ride got even faster! I tried to take some pictures, but i don't think they will turn out...a little too dark i think. I laughed so much and it felt good to do so.
The first part of the week was rough, but after thursday night things became really good and once again God proved to be so faithful and awesome. I personally tend to get caught up in panic mode once something goes even a little wrong and i have to admit that i often don't give God enough credit. God taught me to not underestimate the power of prayer, to not get caught up in panic and that God is capable of so much more than i can comprehend! Thank you so much to my family and friends at home, and my Luton family here. You people are so fantastic and i'm so blessed to have all of you in my life. Thanks to my Luton family for your love, encouragement and support this last week. You made me truly feel loved and cared for and that I do belong here! You people are amazing and I am so thankful that God has provided me the opportunity to stay longer here with you.
Much love to all!

Flip Flop Persecution

To my Canadian counterparts: Yes, I am still wearing flip flops! How can you not when the temperature is still going up to +12 or 13 most days still. People think its chilly though and just shake their heads at the strange Canadian. Seriously though, wearing flip flops really is no different than the middle eastern women wearing sandals with their saris...my are just a different version of sandal. Oh well, I can handle flip flop persecution, there are more serious things to worry about!
I went to the Christian Union choir practice last night. We are singing in the Univeristy's Carol service in two weeks. For those at home, you'll laugh again when you find out that the choir director made me a soprano...she actually moved me from the alto section to the soprano section because i sang a bar of a tune in a high pitched voice. My voice is a little sore after last night's practice. I am by far more comfortable in the alto section, but I am being musically challenged which could be a good thing.
After what felt like a life crisis earlier in the week (and thanks to God and my parents for helping to being me back to reality!), I am doing much better and I have even had a good week. Thanks to everyone who prayed for me this week. Your prayers are greatly appreciated! Love to everyone!

Slow Down and Other Thoughts.

I need to slow down. And I'm asking the Lord
to help me do it. I want to move slowly enough
to be aware of all the joys he has hidden for me.
I want to slow down enough to grow as he wants
me to grow. I want to be quiet enough to hear
his voice. I need his wisdom to know how to
spend my time and how to order my days.
- Kathryn Hillen

Lord, You gave us rest to be still and quiet in your prescence. Rest from the fast paced hecticness of life that takes us away from you. You draw us back for rejuvination of relationship and spirit in you.

I went into last night, I went into the evening movie service with a bad attitude. I hadn't seen Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and i seriously doubted that God would be able to teach me anything through it. I was very wrong. God brought to the surface issues that I thought I wouldn't have to deal with just yet: trying to forget about pain occuring and close down emotionally against it and pretend it doesn't exsist....which doesn't work no matter how much you think it does. And, God really showed me that I need to tear down the barrier i've built around myself that is preventing me from getting to close to anyone emotionally and preventing anyone in return getting to close to me as well. I've always felt like i've needed to put on the happy smiley face no matter what is going on in life...even when life feels like it is crumbling all around you. I have to apologize to my friends as well. As much as I love and appreciate you all, I've been holding back from you and I haven't let you fully in either. I am sorry and I hope you can forgive me for it. I don't want to hold back anymore! God really set me free last night and it feels like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders. Thank you Lord for teaching me things when i least expect them to occur. Even though it felt like i was being blindsided at the time, it really was something i needed to deal with then and there.

Psychosomatic

This title was inspired by someone, but itsn't against that someone. Infact, it has made me do a lot of thinking the last few days. How many things in our daily lives is just in our heads? I mean, how often do we make something to be bigger than it actually is? Isn't that psychosomatic? Isn't it also like overanalyzing a situation? We do this in relationships and events on almost a daily basis. We psych ourselves out and question "what did this person mean when they said that?" or we get worked up for a test when we know it really shouldn't be all that bad if we've done the studying. I think it may also be Satan's way of trying to break us down and cave into a temptation instead of taking a step back, turning to God and then logically looking at the situation from a whole picture point of view. I'm as guilty of not doing this as anyone. I overanalyze things to bits and it more than often doesn't get me anywhere and i'm often worse off than i was before i started to analyze.
Thank you Lord that we can lay anything into your hands....no matter how small and insignificant or how big and complicated it may be. You are always ready to take the load from our shoulders if we only give it all over to you.

When people make stupid comments

I really have no clue who is all reading this, but i need to vent something and this is the only place i think i can fully do it. Last night, someone made a comment about a boy who has the signs of being gay. It was done in a joking way, but because of my history with my ex-boyfriend deciding he was gay, i just don't joke about things like that anymore. This person i don't think knows about my previous situation, but it still hurt. It actually hurt enough that i cried after i got home. I don't have any feelings for the ex anymore, but its still painful to think about. Now that that is over with, on to other topics!
Choir practice went okay for a first time. We only had 6 people there out of what should be something like 15, but i think it has the potential to sound really good once we have a full crew of people.
I had the shingles over the summer and i think they are back. Its a stress related thing, but i honestly don't feel all that stressed. Maybe its a subconscious reaction to everything. I don't know. All i do know is that having Crohn's disease and shingles at the same time is not a great combination.
I have to go and do some reseasrch for nostalgia sport tourism...really have no clue what it is.

Recharge

Lord, when my soul is weary
and my heart is tired and sore,
and I have that failing feeling
that I can't take it any more;
then let me know the freshening
found in simple, childlike prayer,
when the kneeling soul knows surely
that a listening Lord is there.
Ruth Bell Graham
" For a busy woman, time alone with yourself and with God may be almost impossible to find. But the busier you are the more you need it"

Rejoice

Oh, the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of
feeling safe with a person; having neither to
weigh thoughts nor measure words, but to pour
them all out, just as they are, chaff and grain
together, knowing that a faithful hand will take
and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and
then, with the breath of kindness, blow the rest
away.
Geroge Eliot

This quote is for all the people who mean so much to me. Thank you for listening to me when I am happy and when I am in pain. For when my words are serious and for when my words are not so serious thank you for still listening. I love and appreciate everyone of you!

Seasons of Life

I have come to the solid conclusion that God indeed has me here for a purpose and for a definate season of time. A season far longer than I thought it would be or even could be when I left home in September. So as it stands right now, my family and I are both in agreement that we think it's Gods will for me to be here for at least until September. I do realize that I will have to go home at sometime, but for now I am more content in this place than I have been anywhere else in a really long time. Now that this question of me staying or leaving has been leapt over I feel a huge sense of relief and freedom, but there's also a small degree of feeling a little overwhelmed. God is good and definately wants to grant us the desires of our heart. For whatever length of time that God has brought me here for, I am fully going to enjoy it to the max.
God has done so much in my life since I've come to Luton. Exactly two months ago and almost to the exact hour I first stepped off the bus at the station and nearly got right back on it because I didn't like what I saw at first. God has definately taught me to look under the surface in every aspect of my life and dive in deeper before coming to any conclusions. He's taught me to be thankful to Him in every circumstance and continually bless His name. Life hasn't been easy since I have arrived here. It seems like something happens every couple of weeks to make me want to pack up and go home, but God has seen me through and so has the support, encourgagement and love from my awesome friends here. I can't thank you guys enough! You are incredible people!!
Well, i am greatly looking forward to my weekend. Karen has agreed to let me use her bedroom for the weekend because i need a break from the dorm. I don't know if i'll get much of a break, but it will definately be a good change of setting. I'm looking forward to the home environment feeling though! Blessings to all this weekend! Much love!
Jana

Happy Belated Thanksgiving and Other Thoughts from the Weekend.

I finally for my Thanksgiving Dinner even though it was 3 weeks late, but you won't hear a complaint from me! I'm just happy I finally got a turkey dinner and I got to share it with a great bunch of people too. Yes, dinner went well and the pumpkin pie turned out great as well...even though i wasn't sure if the pastry would turn out for a little while. Because I am on the topic of thanksgiving right now, I think I need to do some thanking! Thank you Lord for showing me how truly great and real you are in my life over the past weeks. Thank you to my great group of friends here in England who welcomed me into their lives with no reservations and such heart felt welcome---it is so truly appreciated and you all have blessed me so greatly. Thank you to my family and friends at home for your support and prayers as i figure out where the Lord is leading me in the months to come. Thank you to Karen and her flatmates for opening up their home to the bunch of us time after time and making it at least for me a retreat away from the uni flats!
Fireworks on Saturday night were fantastic! We Canadians have nothing like this day. True we have Canada day, but i've never seen such a display of fireworks in my life. The British definately know how its done properly...at least in this case! Although we all got soaked right through because of the rain, it was still a lot of fun.
Last night at church, we sang a song that has been going through my mind for weeks...or at least the chorus of it has: "Lord Reign in me, reign in your power, over all my dreams, in my darkest hour, you are the Lord of all I am so won't you reign in me again. " These are fairly powerful words for me to contemplate as I connect them to my life. I definately have big dreams and somedays it would seem so much easier to try and fulfill them on my own, but that's not the way i'm suppose to go about doing things.
My devotions last night took me to Psalm 145 of all places...it was not my starting point, but it was one of those side passages to look at. It centred around verses 13-21 "Your Kingdom is an everlasting kingdom, and your dominion endures through all generations. The Lord is faithful to all his promises and loving toward all he has made. The Lord upholds all those who fall and lifts up all who are bowed down. The eyes of all look to you, and you give them their food at the proper time. You open your hand and satisfy the desires of every living thing. The Lord is righteous in all his ways and loving toward all he has made. The Lord is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth. He fulfills the desires of those who fear him; he hears their cry and saves them. The Lord watches over all who love him, but the wicked he will destroy. My mouth will speak in praise of the Lord. Let every creature priase his holy name for ever and ever."
Blessings,
Jana

Struggling

The thought I am about to express is something that I have been struggling with for a little while now. Every time I start to feel like I am really starting to belong here and have a full sense of peace about being here, some one with out fail will call me a crazy foreigner. I know that the way they say it is in jest, but it makes me all the more aware that ultimately i really don't belong here in the long term of things. I am going to have to go back to Canada at some point correct? Don't get me wrong, i love Canada and i consider myself proud to be Canada. It's just that for the first time in a really long time i feel like i have found a place where i can truly be myself and really explore where God wants me to go in life. This is the first place where i have had the opportunity to be truly independant from my family. Yes, i have lived on my own for long streaches at a time, but i've always been in the same city where i have some type of family connection living there as well. I've appreciated that, but there's something completely unique about living no where near any family at all and not even in the same country that gives you a greater sense of independance. For those of you who have never lived abroad before, it might be a little difficult to understand where I am coming from. I geuss i'm venting more than anything else right now, and i really shouldn't let stupid insignificant comments get to me like that, but they do.

Right now, i'm really trying to figure out if i should stay here through the summer and try and get a sports internship some where. I would love to work with a Christian organisation over here just to get the experience, but its all in God's hands. Maybe at a summer camp or something...just through the summer months i think. I'm going to wait until after the CSRM conference in April to apply for the working visa. I'm just really trying to enjoy where God has placed me for the time being and enjoying the new experiences that i come accross most days with living in a different country.

Blessings,
Jana

Can Your Heart be too Big?

On Saturday, I was talking with a friend about recent events occuring in my life and she told me that my heart was too big. She told me that I took things in way too much. My question is can a person's heart really be too big? I must admit that a lot of things would be so much easier to deal with if I could close myself off emotionally when i wanted to. To not get hurt emotionally through relationships and circumstances would be a great thing! BUT, i'm not the kind of person who can do that at will. At most, i can pretend indifference but not really close off my emotions from people and events. I think it largely depends on the situation and extenuating circumstances, in some cases you need to have an open heart and with others you do need to close it off. I just find it so very hard to do the closing off part. Anyone else have thoughts on the subject?